It was a bright and sunny day, and I was going home. While on the way, I saw a few neat cars at a used-car lot, so I decided to check out some old ones. The salesman headed over to greet me. “Hi, I’m Gary Boldwater, owner of Honest Gary’s Used Car Emporium. Yes, my friend, this is a gen-u-ine 1984 Olds Cutlass Ciera Convertible by Hess & Eisenhardt, at the one-and-only official CC Michigan Chapter Used Car Lot” (cough, cough).
“Yessiree, this photo is definitive proof that this car was converted by Hess & Eisenhardt. If you squint, you can make out the Hess & Eisenhardt emblem on the dash, above the radio.”
If you love broughams and semi-sporty cars, then this car is for you!
“It is equipped with both Ride-O-Matic Suspension, for a great mix of comfort & handling; the beloved Turbo-Hydramatic automatic transmission; E-Z-Steer Power Steering; fuel injection, for economy & performance; a digital clock; a radio with two-band equalizer; and the Slo-Fold power-folding soft convertible top. Heck, all it needs to be a true Brougham-vertible is Di-Noc wood paneling and GM’s famed Plastiwood wood-patterned vinyl on the dash and doors. Maybe even on the top. If you want a cheap convertible for the weekend, this is exactly what you want.”
“But wait–there’s more! Where you see what looks like rust & abuse, I see patina and love! If you have a son, this car would make a great father-son restoration project! Are ya interested yet? I can hook you up for a low, low payment of $50 a month for 30 months! I’ll even throw in a free glass-bottled Mountain Dew if you sign on the dotted line for this beauty!”
I politely interrupted him after his nonstop sales babbling and said, “I’m just looking, Gary. I’m window shopping, if you will.”
Although the used-car salesman was unable to sell me the car, I think somebody else might be suckered into it, as his mantra was a famous quote by P.T. Barnum: “There’s a sucker born every minute.” I wished him well on his journeys.
Original article republished for author's personal blog from Curbside Classic:
Written by Mr. Edward Mann